The Goggles
Goggle-Free Dating: Escaping Attraction’s Common Pitfalls
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Without fail, everybody has worn them before at least once. We never know when we’re actually wearing them, and the realization that we possessed them doesn’t usually come until days afterwards, hitting us like a bag of bricks in the shower, making us voice the universal rhetoric question to ourselves, “WTF WAS I THINKING?????”
This deadly accessory, the opposite sex altering goggle, comes in many forms. We already know about “beer goggles”, so i’d like to introduce you to three others that are just as potent.
1. WORK GOGGLES
Work Goggles describes what happens when you’re in an office environment, and you start making arguments in your head for people you were never really attracted to to begin with. “You know, sometimes when she wears clear heels on spring Wednesdays, in the right light, her eyes seem mysterious and her breasts look pretty ripe. I should probably try to have sex with her”.
Also, if the “new” person (someone who’s recently been hired or a temp) has even a shred of attractiveness, they’ll automatically become that office’s version of Benny Bratt or Gabby Union for at least two months without fail. It’s just like 7th grade, when the new girl from Texas transferred in and everybody broke their necks to see who’d get her phone number first. As soon as the first number is handed out, she’s basically forgotten forever. If you hated junior high you’ll probably hate working in an office.
Work Goggle Plusses: Three words: copy room quickies. Also, there is the possibility that the constant close contact has allowed you to notice an attractive part of their personality that you may have overlooked in a different setting. And, you know, at least you know that the person has a job.
Work Goggle Minuses: Five words: don’t sh*t where you eat. If it (the relationship) does work, then you run the possibility of breaking up just because you’re tired of seeing them 24 hours a day everyday. If you have sex and the relationship doesn’t work, then you create the possibility of your office turning into the West Bank or Newark, New Jersey. There is no greater hell than a workplace divided by someone’s sexual activity or relationship status.
what to avoid
Verdict: Unless you’re convinced that they’re your Neo, try to shy away from this. 9 times out of 10, three months later you’ll be in your cubicle, reading and replying to some horrific Alex Forrest-esque email while shaking your head and asking yourself “Damn. What the hell was I thinking?”
2. COLLEGE GOGGLES
(Since college aged males disgust most women older than 22, “college goggles” is strictly a male phenomenon, and I suggest that all the ladies just move on to number 3.)
College goggles occur when you’re out of school, but you either work near a university or have college students working for or with you. This prolonged contact, along with the viewing of countless Maxim’s, SmoothMag’s and GirlsGoneWild infomercials, causes you to assume that all college aged women are easier than a G.E.D. test for dyslexic kittens. Every 19-22 year old women you see all of a sudden becomes a young Roxy Reynolds in your eyes, waiting to be turned-out by your studly, Hefneresque older-male wit.
College Goggle plusses: Remember this, “…causes you to assume that all college aged women are easier than a G.E.D. test for dyslexic kittens…”? Well, nowadays, that’s probably true. Plus, since most college aged people are broke and living off of cafeteria food and Ramen noodles, a date to the food court at the mall is their version of Spago, and will basically guarantee sex
College Goggle minuses: If you’re over 30, it’s generally not a good idea to date people who aren’t old enough to legally drink. You never want to have to perform “old man duties” (Driving them places, buying beer for their roommates, etc) and having sex in a dorm room when you’re not college-aged is basically a sign of a complete loser.
Verdict: Since you’re basically guaranteed easy guilt-free sex, this isn’t a completely bad thing, especially if you could somehow rationalize to yourself and your God why the hell your 34 year old ass is having sex in the bottom bunk of some 6 by 8 foot dorm room after slithering past the R.A. If you’re okay with all of that, then knock yourself out, lil champ.
3. DROUGHT GOGGLES
you’re horny. he’s waiting
You’re going through a longer than usual (and “usual” in this case is relative. For some it could be two weeks. For others, two years) period of a lack of opposite sex contact. This decreases your usual standards tremendously, but, at this point, you could really care less. The mailman, your kids school-bus driver, your parole officer, DMX, your ex…right now, it doesn’t matter. You just need to get it done, quickly.
Drought Goggle plusses: There’s a chance that you’ll feel 100 times better after you “break your seal”. Once you break that seal, there’s a chance you’ll be happier, more efficient at work, nicer to pets, more prone to recycle and less prone to commit violent crimes.
Drought Goggle minuses: There a chance that you’ll feel 100 times worse after you “break your seal” because you compromised your integrity for something that wasn’t that good anyway.
Verdict: If you ever find yourself with these on, take them off as soon as possible. You’re in a drought for a reason, and wearing the goggles will just be a temporary fix to an increasingly permanent problem. Remember, even a Brussels sprouts and liver flavored milkshake would taste great if you were hungry enough.
A pair of goggles every now and then isn’t such a bad thing. Sure, they’re irresponsible, inherently misleading, and occasionally dangerous, but someone always has to be the butt of the jokes in your circle of friends, the “too old man” sneaking out the dorms, or the cause of World War III at work…why can’t it be you?